’Cross is coming, and that means new cyclocross teams that have been months in planning are now being officially announced. Former CXM editor Andrew Reimann and his UCI points-winning wife Kathryn Cumming continue last year’s successful Cyclocross Magazine racing team, under the new spicy new colors of the Jalapeño Cycling Team. See the team’s unique press release below and look for Cumming at this season’s CrossVegas and Jingle Cross World Cups.
Jalapeño Cycling Team Preparing for an “Okay” Cyclocross Season Ahead
BLOOMFIELD, NJ – The Jalapeño Cycling Team is elated to announce their calendar and full roster for the 2016/17 cyclocross season.
The star-packed team of Kathryn Cumming and Andrew Reimann is setting a high level of expectations this year, certain that it will achieve “mildly alright but eventually forgettable” results.
“Even though we’re technically a new team this year, we had to go through an incredibly selective application process back in June,” Reimann, ranked last in the UCI standings, said. “We had over fifty athletes come to a brutal tryout session.”
“Tryouts?” Cumming responded later in the week. “We didn’t have tryouts… Oh God, I hope he isn’t talking about that daycare camp he broke into with a megaphone. No, I just let Andrew on my team since he’s my husband. It was either drag the Jalapeño Cycling name through the mud or listen to him whine every night. Tough call, actually.”
Kathryn Cumming of the new Jalapeño Cycling Team.
Team members will race in domestic and international events throughout the season, starting with the Qiansen Trophy Cyclocross C1 Events in China. The two have used extensive algorithms provided by crossresults.com and USA Cycling’s race predictor to formulate a season schedule where the team can stretch out their limited team budget. This includes targeting races in New England, the Mid-Atlantic and Texas. The current schedule assumes that neither athlete will see their Powerball numbers come up halfway through the season. In that case, the Jalapeño Cycling team will be traveling to the local races in Southern France for the remainder of their natural lives.
The Jalapeño Cycling Team has partnered up with Von Hof Cycles, a small-batch frame builder located in Hoboken, New Jersey, and Pactimo Custom Apparel, which has long been kitting up cyclocross athletes from their headquarters in Colorado.
Kathryn Cumming of the new Jalapeño Cycling Team’s new Von Hof Cycles race bikes.
“I don’t know much about your cycle cross,” Gertrude Dover, an ornery and decrepit neighbor, told us in an interview, “but with those bright, tight clothes and shiny bikes, that couple seems like they’re always looking for trouble. And you didn’t hear it from me, but the husband’s an idiot. He keeps using his bike to hop over the hedges in his lawn. I’ve seen him crash at least 12 times now and his poor boxwoods are on death’s doorstep.”
The husband and wife team of the Jalapeño Cycling Team: Andrew Reimann and Kathryn Cumming
Need an excuse to incorporate more social media in your life? Be sure to follow Jalapeño Cycling on Instagram and Facebook, where the team’s marginally interesting season and low-quality selfie shots will likely be irresponsibly repackaged as tales of high adventure.
The team also has a barebones website, with a blog that may or may not include food recipes irrelevant to cyclocross, complaints about the UCI and/or USAC, and passive-aggressive responses to perceived insults from social media.
