Does fear drive you or drive you away? Riders storming up an off-camber in the Swiss Cyclo-cross Championships. Photo by Sébastien Gasser on flickr.
by Lee Waldman
Fear can weaken but it can also strengthen. Fear is also a great training partner.
Now that the season is over some of you are looking forward to the road season, some the mountain bike season, some just waiting for the fall and the new ’cross season. I hope you all came away from last season feeling good about yourself and your racing, but what if you didn’t? You might have focused on one or two weekends of racing and had bad luck: falls or mechanicals, which put you out of contention. You may have gotten sick, or injured and not really performed up to what you know you can do. As a result, there might just be a tiny thread of doubt that’s popped up for you.
I read somewhere just a few days ago that: “Confidence is the absence of doubt”. To be completely honest, I’m in the position, for the second season in a row, where I’m struggling with a lack of confidence. After two winters of forced recovery from devastating injuries it almost makes sense. Last winter there was surgery to repair three completely ruptured hamstring tendons. I missed a remount with horrific consequences. Then this past Christmas day I was on the losing end of a hit-and-run that left me unconscious on the side of the road.
It’s certainly not the broken bones or even the concussion that bothers me. Bones, and brains heal and I’m nothing if not a fast healer. But here’s the real question. When things go wrong, really wrong, how does a person react? Do you listen to the nagging voice lurking in your subconscious, suggesting in no uncertain terms that maybe it’s time for you to pack it in. That maybe your time as a bike racer should be coming to an end. Then that “friendly” voice goes on to remind you of how hard it will be to come back, to regain the fitness and, oh yeah, are you really going to have the confidence to stick your handlebars into that gap when you know in the back of your mind what the downside might be?
So the question becomes then, “How do we regain our confidence?” You might be that rare individual who never lacks for confidence, who takes the risks without a second thought. If that’s the case, you have my complete, total admiration and respect. I’d love to be like that, but I’m not. I might have been before, but now I’m struggling.
I miss racing terribly and there’s no doubt in my mind that come September I’ll be lined up again. But will I be confident or full of doubt? It’s a frightening thought.
All of us have had bad seasons. Some due to injury, some bad luck. I’ve experienced both in the 30 plus years I’ve raced cyclocross. But this situation is different. Technically I’ve still got the bike handling skills that I had before my accident. It’s those intangibles that scare me. The “what ifs.” Those situations that grab the front wheel, or both wheels and send us over the bars before we’ve even had a chance to think. I’m in control of myself, not the other challenges from the terrain and the riders around me. Those are the things that add challenge, beauty and grace to cyclocross. They are also where the sense of doubt comes from.
I know that I’m walking that fine line again, between writing a column about bike racing as opposed to a column about life. But the line between the two is pretty fuzzy. We learn life lessons from racing and we learn to race from life experiences.
And even as I read what I’ve written so far, it almost sounds as if I’ve already given in and given up.
Nope!
I’ve learned that many times just the simple step of naming the fear lessens it. It doesn’t go away. I hope that it never does. Because fear gives you that edge, as long as it doesn’t consume you.
Fear can weaken but it can also strengthen. Fear is also a great training partner.
I’m confined to the indoor trainer, at least for another month. I’ve got lots of time to think back to what I did poorly and what I did well last season. Even more time to reflect on what next season will be like. I’ve already set goals for myself and the fear of failure drives me to push through every workout. I know that fitness leads to confidence which defeats doubt. Think about that as you’re getting ready for whatever comes next.
And then go ride your bike.
